The Matthew Shields Case
Libs
Creative Contempt:
“Order in the court!” the judge shouted, banging his gavel. “Today we try Matthew Shields on the charge of Excessive Creativity in the First Degree.”
The prosecutor rose, papers in hand. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what you are about to hear will shock you. Mr. Shields’ ideas are so outlandish, so deranged, that any brand working without him is left pleading “objection!”
He approached the bench. “Exhibit A: 
. “A two-piece candy bar, consumed… alone.”
The jury erupted into whispers. “Objection: Double Jeopardy!” shouted the defense.
The prosecutor smirked and unveiled Exhibit C: 
.” He paused dramatically. “Money laundering.”
The gallery gasped. “An open-and-shut case, your honor.”
Then came Exhibit B: 
. The room went silent. “The defendant suggests giving LinkedIn profiles, a platform best known as a networking jungle of humblebrags, to actual giraffes and gorillas.”
But the prosecution wasn’t done. “Exhibit D:
”
He slammed it on the witness stand.
Someone in the back shouted, “I sold my futon there once!” “We all did, sir,” the prosecutor replied.
The prosecutor shuffled his papers and unveiled “Exhibit E: 
.” He held up a tiny, wide-eyed figurine. “The defendant endorses the reckless selling of blind boxes, money spent with no clue what’s inside. You could buy five of these… and still end up with the same adorable Crybaby toy.”
I knew it was over for me. I’d have to face the music with 
And in that moment, I realized something. This rap sheet doesn’t belong in an evidence locker.
It belongs in a portfolio.